So many things to say, and no idea where to start. I want to write for myself, for my broken heart, and strangely, for the people who say they would like to hear more of my voice. I want to write for the people who DON'T understand, who are going to believe what they want to believe. Not because I can change their minds, but because I am entitled to my VOICE. This is an odd place to be, though, in the middle of these raw emotions, but still somehow wanting to set the record straight. Who knew that now, I'd be paying such a price for the decisions I made way back then...
Have you ever met someone, and when your eyes locked, you just felt like you'd seen them before? Like you KNEW them- not their favourite colour or food, but really knew who they were at their core? Where conversations came easy, and emotions were strong but not really uncomfortable? And so this is where the full disclosure comes, where I bear my soul in this place that I created for me, and maybe you will see it. I've had that in my life, more than once, that connection with another living being. But those bonds, they are so very, very strong. I should mention, this doesn't belittle any other relationship- it's not better, or more real, it's just... different.
In 1998 (I think), I was working a desk job, and someone came in for an interview. I called him by the wrong name, our eyes met, and then we both looked away. We became friends quickly- conversation was not only easy, but remarkably unnecessary. There was a familiarity, something neither of us could really explain. Did you see Avatar? It was like that kind of awareness, cliche, perhaps, but so much in that movie spoke to me, and it applied here. But here is the problem- most people don't understand. They don't want to. It doesn't "make sense". Apparently, that kind of kinship and connection just doesn't exist. Except it does. It's easy to mistake it for some sort of fanatical romantic love- it's intense, and real, and does resemble in some ways those amazing euphoric early days- but in truth it's much more like a reunion- a finding of something dear and thought lost. I'll be honest, at the time, I wondered briefly if it was a romantic pull, but in a matter of a short time, it was clear this was something else entirely.
People questioned, over the years. Hell, we questioned, more than once, but I felt a steadfast knowledge that our destiny this time around wasn't a partnership- not in the traditional sense, anyway. The timing was always wrong, there was always a wife or a husband, a girlfriend or a fiance, a reminder that we were right when we were supposed to be for each other in this life, and it certainly wasn't in each others' bed. The mistake I made here was allowing myself to be a secret- it gave fuel to the rumours- the ones I never cared about anyway, because I thought they could never hurt me. They were someone else's misunderstanding, after all. I was so very wrong...
16 years went by- a pot of coffee, a full tank of gas, a new pack of Swisher Sweets, dark 'til dawn in a truck on the back roads- 80s ballads or country on the radio and no words needed. Five spouses, six children, heartache and heartbreak, joy and success. And then one day, too soon, he was gone from here. No one last ride, no goodbye, in a blink. And it hurt to my core. It felt like someone took my heart in their hands and squeezed, and then it felt like a gasp of air when they let go. It was waves of hurt, and sadness, and anger, and disbelief, of wanted answers that would never come. And then I realized, that after all these years, I bore a scarlet letter. Not for my own infidelity, nor his, but for the perception of others- for those who didn't understand, who never would. The glares and the gazes, the questioning looks and questions themselves. And this was the part of the grief that I wasn't prepared for at all, The defense of this amazing gift- this friendship that transcended time, space, lifetimes, it was somehow now dirty. It was an "affair". There were "letters"- and I'm sure there were, and I'm sure they spoke of love, and future, and our place for one another. But they never came to pass. They were all just part of our journey. I have been labelled a home wrecker- an intentionally selfish and hurtful human being- and I feel nothing could be further from the truth. So I came here, to my safe place- to confess. I loved him, perhaps more than people thought acceptable (I can't bring myself to say "more than I should have"), but anyone who has felt love at all knows that the depth isn't something you choose, it's something that IS. And so I loved, with the depth, and the intensity, and the openness that I think love itself deserves. And as much as this whole thing makes me want to shut it all down, to paper the windows to my soul, and lock the door tightly, I won't. I will wear my hurt, and I will never apologise.
"Let Love Speak Up Itself"
The Beautiful South
Don't whisper love and dream of wedding bells
Don't do all the talking, let love speak up itself
Let love speak up itself
So when you feel a little tatty and unhappy with your face
Let it breathe into us and put you back in place
Let it breathe, let it breathe
From the day it came into us till the day it wants to leave
For it will, it will go
And it will not say goodbye just like it didn't say hello
There will not be a send-off, a funeral or mass
Just a pathetic little vodka from a dirty little glass
'To the world's greatest mum
From the oldest swinger in town'
Let love speak up itself
Let love speak up itself
Let it rise up in the morning and take us for that walk
Let it do the talking when we're too tired to talk
When we're too tired to talk
And when you feel unhappy that I'm not the one I was
Let love rot inside and let love palm you off
Let it rot, let it rot
Let it take your feelings and tie them in a knot
In a knot, in a knot
Let it take your feelings and tie them in a knot
Hang them from a cleaver and say 'Look what we've got
A man and a woman and guess what they forgot'
'To the world's greatest mum
From the oldest swinger in town'
Let love speak up itself
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